Interracial Relationships
Disclaimer: A lot of the observations I make in this post are general trends I have personally observed or experienced. What I say is not absolute, because I have also seen exceptions.
There is a post over at 8 Asians that has been bothering for me some time, but I haven’t had the chance to formulate a thought-out response at the time. The issue that the post revolves around is interracial dating between Asian and Caucasian people. What bothers me the most is that the response to the issue feels too generic and stereotypical. What someone says in a few words about “typical” Asian males definitely does not encompass the entire spectrum. The reason it bothers me a lot us because it is opposite from what I have seen. People’s lives are so hugely influenced by their environment and social dispositions.
I was born and rasied in Boston. I lived in an Irish neighborhood. I really never saw a huge Asian population until 7th grade. Up until then, I went to schools that were predominantly white or of other minorities (black, Hispanic, etc.), and my only contact with other Asians were family, Chinatown visits, or the small percentage of students in school. 7th grade was a big change for me; I entered an extremely diverse school of over 2400 students where my graduating class was at least 300 students. Yet I never hung out with the Asian kids. They were generally cliquey, and I never shared any interests with them. This just doesn’t apply to Asian people. I’ve seen the phenomenon in so many other groups of people. People always banded with others who were of the same race because the familiarity and similarity makes them feel comfortable and safe. It always bothered me when others tried to latch onto me because I was Chinese (like when someone wants to be a project partner or a random person sits next to me on the bus).
I always hung out with people who shared the same interests as as me which almost all the Asians I knew never did. I always loathed people who would try to make me join some Asian culture society at school. These are the same kind of people who hang out in the same Asian clique. I have no objections for sharing my heritage and celebrating my culture, but it seems silly when all the attendants just happen to be of the same culture. I was never taught racism when I was growing up. I never inherited it from my parents. I had to learn it from all the social situations I was in. My social confusion screwed me up for a long time, before I learned how to just be myself. However, the exposure I had to other people showed me that we really aren’t that different if you strip skin color away. Character — what people said or did to me good or bad — always struck me more than anything.
I only ever really dated one girl who happened to be Korean. Her past boyfriends were all white (if I remember correctly). She came from a white suburb and grew up in a different setting than most other Asians I knew. However, she was not the kind of girl I would date again. It had nothing to do with physical appearance at all. Her character just didn’t cohere with mine which is why I broke up with her. My cousins have married various people of other races (Italian, Korean, Spanish), and there are no issues with race with anyone there.
I have met some really great and nice people throughout my life. It didn’t matter what race they were, because I knew them as individuals instead of abstracting them into a global group and personifying that. Taking interracial dating so seriously is dumb. The people who do that probably have some insecurities they need to take care of. In the end, people should do whatever makes them happy regardless of race.
Some Observations and then A response
It is obvious you were very mature for your age when younger, some would call you ’self contained’ but it was really about what you wanted form the world yourself and others. You get a natural strengh from saying and feeling and knowing that it’s no big deal to say ‘I’m me’.
And as you have written, mostly people were satisfied with that, and you, – ‘just the way you are’ they didn’t have a problem with you just being you as you want yourself to be known.
And may I say that you are then due an apology from the group who want or hope, that you can be taken to a place (mental and or sexual) that you simply don’t want.
I hear you loud and clear. Being who are is not a walking contact ad for people of a certain ilk. But do yourself a favour – if at first people thought you maybe up for something you were not up for, then I think they would get the message form you very soon that actually you are simply not interested. But I’m sure you have been handeling that well enough.
Yes I know there are people out there that won’t take ‘no thanks’ for an answer. But that is true for all social sexual situations. So I think perhaps you are questioning what appears to be a new and yes quite prevelenat change in societies mores.
Namely why has there been an increase of needy people who want to have sexual contact with people of colour. I certinaly think that white people appear to be on a quest to make up for lost time and also that people of colour also enjoy fufilling their fantasies – and (vice a versa) that’s the internet for you – it opens and helps people explore their need to do what they want to do. I think that can only be good because if people suppress themselves and their (legal) urges that’s much wrose – it leads to more resentment and violence and sorrow suppressing drugs.
So you have more people of all races being open about why they would find what you are *generically* interesting for sexual purposes. I say *all* races because their are a lot of black people who have an asian sexual fetish. That’s not to say that interricalism is not about racism it can be of course. But I’ll tell you I’d rather people worked through it by meeting and talking with people of colour rather than hurting themselves and others. Just think of all the fear and tension that has been got rid of by people simply being with one another. And that goes for by far the majority of encounters.
So what can you do if you simply don’t want the attention and I mean you as you.
Well from what I can glean you are open to suggestions as to how to be creative in telling people that you have a contribution to make that speaks of where you are sexually and mentally. You want to be subtle to the unsubtle – OK I’m taking a chance here but here it goes.
If you get anyone who is curious and needs you to ‘explain’ why they find you attractive you just might try – if you like – creatively telling them the story of Monkey- the Chinese folk tale. It is now the most popular chinese folk tale at the moment (it has just been made into an intelligent musical for the UK and US stage). Why? because it has all the aspects of human behaviours in one tale. It shows we can be like monkey the main character clumsy helpful heroic or pig ( aminor character) who simply wants to satisfy his urges or the skulman the despressive pedant.
They are all interesting and enterianing aspects of our existence. But sometimes you really do feel for the philosopher priest having to put up with so much confusion and mayhem.
Well come back to my Irish neighbourhood.
I don’t think it’s as simplistic as general insecurities as it has greater far-reaching effects. Demoralization, how the Asian American community views itself, and the attitude that “white is right” all factor into this issue.
I see your point, but you also have to consider where those general insecurities come from. By that, I mean the issues you listed. I was posting a response from my own personal view to something that came off as ubiquitous to me, and that’s what bothered me. I’m not trying to pass off my point of view as universal in any way. It’s just my own opinion on things.